Empire collapses under
weight of paternity cases

Sith Lord thought to have fathered hundreds of illegitimate children

A report by the new Rebel Interim Senate has revealed that Emperor Palpatine's death was not the only reason for the Galactic Empire's collapse. It seems that the treasury had already been crippled by billions of credits in maintenance payments made to children of his apprentice, Lord Vader.

The Sith Lord is thought to have fathered hundreds of illegitimate children during his time under the tyrant Palpatine. Indeed, Vader had to sign so many paternity suits that he had a rubber stamp made, reading "I am your father", which enabled him to bash out all the paperwork before breakfast.

With many paternity cases still pending, people are asking whether the New Republic is now responsible to meet any payments. In a surprisingly generous gesture, Master Skywalker has offered a place at the Jedi Temple to any of Vader's offspring who show an aptitude for the Force.

One child, the result of a brief liaison during the Hoth campaign, told of his struggle with the Empire's unfeeling bureaucracy. "I was angry at first," he said, "And I regret not having a father figure during my formative years. But on the other hand, I can move objects with my mind and my midi-chlorian levels are through the roof."

~ R.B.