Staff: Alex Musson - Mustard comedy magazine

Satirical News & Articles

Lethargy generator found under bed

Home worker reports "creepy stuff"

New York miming disaster

Lax safety procedures result in deaths of hundreds of mimes

Four Horsemen Split

Pestilence quits, citing 'artistic differences'

Cruel prank on nation's arsewits

'My brain became engaged. I panicked.'

News event: attractive young women involved somehow

Local stadium is secret space ark

Escape apocalypse in government spaceship

World's first clay pigeon bred in captivity

Richmond destroyed by pasta-antipasta explosion

Final display for stuffed poor

Taxidermied paupers go under the hammer

'Ugly' man actually just a low quality JPEG

'Ugly' man just low quality JPEG

He was merely a little pixelated

Local man is world's worst serial killer

World's worst serial killer arrested

Killing spree results in minus two deaths

Eat, Shït, and Die

Sandwich chain's name inspires other brands

Harnessing emotions could solve energy crisis

Harnessing emotions
to solve energy crisis

Fuelled by kittens and outrage

Rise in mobile use by under-zeros

Concern over amount of
social networking by foetuses

Linguist discovers 'perfect' photo caption

Schoolbook caption hailed as
'lexical Holy Grail'

Save the English coastline

One man's crusade to conserve
England's traditional edges

Fashion cabal has dark secret

Middle-aged billionaires compete
to make teenagers look stupid

Artist brings roof down

Shocking exhibition by radical
new conceptual artist

Series of bizarre deaths

Detectives investigate
baffling homicides

Baseball was invented
to help men talk
about relationships

Anthropological find of the century

Deadlock in midwinter festival negotiations

Midwinter festival deadlock

Negotiations continue for
ownership of December 25th

Ugly people to get better parking spaces

Ugly people's parking spaces

Less attractive people will be
given special permits

Street Games

The new craze of live-action board games

TV News & Picks

Richard Pryor in The Good Life

Great Casting Mistakes in History

Binge watching addicts

Middle-class Brits hooked on American product

Stories & Characters

Derring Dos & Don'ts:
pt.1: Survival

"Sharks are attracted to urine, so just pee on the other passengers."

Derring Dos & Don'ts:
pt.2: Women

"When men were men,
and women were often boys in drag."

Derring Dos & Don'ts:
pt.6: Food

"What larks we had! Roasted, with a side of green beans and potatoes."

Writer's Block: The Invention of Time Travel

Writer's Block
#4: The Invention of Time Travel

"Middle-class fear of embarrassment is the mother of invention."

Infographics

First World War Problems

#FirstWorldProblems that were also #FirstWorldWarProblems.

When is it okay to laugh and point?

An easy guide

Animals that come with
their own cutlery

Adverts

These Aren't the Droids
I'm Looking For

An eary learner book

J-Lo

The new diet joint
that won't give you the munchies

FBI: Father-Baby Interface

Law enforcement style
flak jacket / baby carrier

Movie Posters

Masters of the
University Challenge

Night of the Living
Dead Poets Society

Who's Afraid of
Virginia Teenwolf?

Magazine Covers

Comic Strips

Superhero: Middleman

I don't actually do any heroics myself...

Back To The Future Remake

2015 teen Martie McFly travels back to the ancient year of 1985!

Jurassic Park Postscript

Long-lost post-credit scene from the original Jurassic Park.

Shallow Grave Ending

Christopher Eccleston & Ewan McGregor fight to the death

Bill Paxton's Big Love

Bill's loving family of sister-wives:
Terminator, Alien and Predator

Myth Management

Brit bureaucrats battling beasts!
#1: Going Underground

Myth Management

Brit bureaucrats battling beasts!
#2: The Rhythm is Gong to Get You

Myth Management

Brit bureaucrats battling beasts!
#3: Champagne Supernova

One-panel Cartoons

A.M. / A.W.

William H Macy swearword substitute for new parents

A.M. / A.W.

No to Free Speech! - You Can't Say That!

A.M. / J.W.

A.M.

Overheard

A.M. / C.K.

Overheard: Chilminder is having a Tummy Tuck

A.M. / C.K.

Overheard: Nothing in the Bible about Not Smoking

A.M. / H.S.

Overheard: Salesmen shouting 'Ten Percent'

A.M. / H.S.

Overheard: I've got latte all over my Louis Vuitton

A.M. / H.S

Overheard: Have you read the Bible? Who's your favourite?

A.M. / H.S

Overheard: Gabriel, put down that trident!

A.M. / H.S

Overheard: Lilly Allen offered me a joint and I said no. I'm really growing up.

A.M. / H.S

Overheard: Different? Getting a sex change is just weird

A.M. / H.S

Overheard: You should read Catcher in the Rye

A.M. / J.B.

Overheard: These may look like Jeans, but they're not

A.M. / H.S

Overheard: You'll never find someone who loves you as much as me, becasue you have such a sh*t personality

A.M. / J.B.

Overheard: Years of hard drug abuse and I've still got all my teeth

A.M. / J.B.

A.M / H.S

Overheard: I'm definitely at my best between the sheets

A.M. / H.S.

Headlines

Tube Rats Failing To Swipe In and Out of Oyster Zones

Other Half Has 51% Controlling Interest in Relationship

BA Pilot Given Green Light: Mr T 'delighted' to film A-Team spin-off

Yin & Yang to Split - Couple cite 'irreconcilable differences'

October delayed for at least three years: officials blame 'unforeseen circumstances'

Dinosaur extinction caused by heartbreak: 'they all just pined away' claims report by recently dumped palaeontologist.

Musician begins work on difficult second marriage

I am an accident that wasn't my fault - baby sues parents

In Brief

Sport
Cricket body admits
rules made up as they go along,
"Just like Mornington Crescent"

A.M. / S.C.

Fashion
Scarf Ace
"I really like this scarf!"
Inside Al Pacino's wardrobe

A.M. / S.C.

Health
Britain sells NHS to America
Infrastructure to be shipped over on giant tankers

A.M. / J.B.

Travel
Northampton tube opens for business
"A transport system to rival that of London"

A.M.

Opinion
"We shall never give in to your demands, no matter how reasonable!"

A.M. / J.B.

Culture
Morrissey dancers
New craze sweeps England

A.M. / J.B.

Society
Lashings and ginger beer!
The rise of Enid Blyton fetish clubs

A.M. / A.W.

TV
This week in the soaps
A bit of a whale, some chemicals
and a pubic hair

A.M. / A.W.

Society
Pet Dispensary
RSPCA criticise
puppy-vending machines

A.M. / A.W.

Food
Pop Quorn
The cinema snack
with no animal fat

A.M. / A.W.

Fashion
Bible belt
Easy hip-holder access to the
new and old testaments

A.M. / A.W.

Technology
Wii-ja Board
Contact the other side via
your games console

A.M. / A.W.

Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes

Health & Beauty
Pamper yourself with our complete bodycare range

A.M. / A.W.

TV
'Are You Harder Than
a Ten-Year-Old?'
Controversial new game show

A.M. / A.W.

TV
Everybody Scrubs Frasier
Cross-breeding the sitcom

A.M. / A.W.

Media
Haiku tweets
Each passing thought,
saved for posterity,
typed from the loo

A.M. / A.W.

Travel
Did you know?
'San Miguel' is Spanish
for 'same again'

A.M. / A.W.

Don't give money to marketing people, 'they'll only spend it on drugs'

Media
Don't give money to homeless marketing people, 'they'll only spend it on drugs'

A.M. / A.W.

Family
Should left-handed and
right-handed people marry?
Ambidextrous kids
struggle to fit in

A.M. / A.W.

Society
Treacherous road executed

A.M. / A.W.

Crime
Murder at butler convention
Detectives baffled

A.M. / A.W.

Food
I hope that someone gets my
MSG in a bottle

A.M. / A.W.

Music
I'd rather be MC Hammer than Jimmy Nail
Yes I would, I surely would

A.M. / A.W.

Lifestyle
Not so much alpha male as Betamax
My dating life

A.M. / A.W.

Puzzle Corner

Mandelbroltu
Fill in the squares with the relevant letter, number or symbol so that each longitudinal and latitudinal string creates a perfect emotional singularity.
Last week's solution:
The soft pleasure of a cool pillow against the skin.

A.M.

Travel Twister
Left middle-finger green / right index-finger blue / right little-finger yellow / right ring-finger red / left index-finger yellow / left middle-finger green / right ring-finger blue / right little-finger red / left ring-finger blue.
Tie breaker: left thumb green.

A.M.

Rubik's Cube cut-out

A.M.

Interviews

Michael Palin

Along with the fish slapping, I want that on my gravestone:
'shot by Robert De Niro'.

The Monty Python legend talks Life of Brian, Fish Called Wanda, Brazil,
winning a BAFTA, his travel series and his novels.
6,300 words

Sam Bain & Jesse Armstrong

We thought it would be a good way to do comedy,
to get a new perspective, to get inside someone's head.

The writers of Peep Show talk about the show and characters,
as well as writing Fresh Meat, Rev and Babylon.
9,650 words

Alan Moore

If you put the words in the right order with the pictures
you can create a psychedelic state, a fugue state.

The author of Watchmen and From Hell discusses comics,
comedy, movies and magic over copious amounts of tea.
14,800 words

Stewart Lee

I don't want my career to be a smash-and-grab raid.
I'm in this for the long haul.

The comedian, writer and director talks stand-up, TV shows,
Jerry Springer The Opera and being 'the comedian's comedian'.
10,000 words

Richard Herring

A lot of comedians say they've been inspired by me and Stu,
which is really lovely.

Talking about Time Gentlemen Please, his Hitler moustache,
and being called a 'hidden master of modern British comedy'
7,800 words

Fred Armisen &
Carrie Brownstein

I'll ask Fred if he's stalking me. If so, the show's over.

Co-writers and stars of the acclaimed US sketch show Portlandia,
which affectionately satirizes the hip counterculture of Portland, Oregon.
5,500 words

John Lloyd

I see my life is a series of ghastly mistakes
that somehow turned out alright in the end.

The legendary producer on Blackadder, QI, Spitting Image,
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Not The Nine O'Clock News and more.
15,000 words

Ray Galton &
Alan Simpson

Amazing to think that if we hadn't contracted TB,
Hancock and Steptoe wouldn't exist.

We talk to the legendary writing team behind Hancock's Half Hour,
Steptoe & Son and Comedy Playhouse.
3,700 words

Robin Ince

I'm a reading list comedian.
I want people to be excited by science and philosophy.

The stand-up and creator of The Book Club on his atheist Christmas shows
and podcasts Infinite Monkey Cage and Utter Shambles.
12,600 words

Graham Linehan

Most people think a show is made up by the cast as they go.

The writer of The IT Crowd, Father Ted, Black Books, Big Train,
The Day Today and co-creator of The Fast Show's Ted & Ralph.
10,100 words

Matt Berry &
Rich Fulcher

People say 'I love the clip of you kicking the dog'.

Matt Berry and Rich Fulcher discuss their cult sketch show, Snuff Box.
2,000 words

Question Tag

Mustard interviewees ask each other questions
Featuring: Graham Linehan, Michael Palin, Sam Bain, Jesse Armstrong,
Alan Moore, Stewart Lee, Richard Herring, John Lloyd, Fred Armisen,
Carrie Brownstein, Matt Berry, Rich Fulcher, and Galton & Simpson.
2,000 words