Fashion cabal's dark secret

Middle-aged billionaires compete to make teenagers look stupid

An undercover investigation has revealed that all fashion trends are dictated by an elite group of super-rich, middle-aged businessmen. The shadowy but impeccably dressed cabal meets regularly in a warehouse conversion on Brick Lane to eat foie gras and hatch their plans for world style domination.

Although the existence of a fashion mafia has long been suspected, the true, hidden purpose of their conspiracy has sent shockwaves through the industry. Secret recordings show that these wheezing 50-somethings, jealous of the hip, sexy younger generation, are wreaking their revenge by inventing increasingly ridiculous-looking fashions. They then engage their massive marketing juggernauts to convince the unsuspecting youths that they will look totes amazeballs.

The trendy young consumers then spend thousands swaddling themselves in the latest overpriced designer threads, believing themselves to be rebelling against out-of-touch old farts, whilst actually being victims of the older generation's elaborate practical joke.

It seems that the cabal began by adding just one or two of the fake designs, to see what they could get away with, but these items quickly became best sellers. Now they actively compete to see how stupid they can make people look.

Their biggest success was undoubtedly the prevalent 'trousers hanging below the arse' style, which swept the nation despite its innate preposterousness and the hundreds of trip-related fatalities.

~ A.M.

Illo: S.C.