Simon Cooper

Local stadium is
secret space ark

Escape apocalypse in government spaceship

Ugly people's parking spaces

Less attractive people will be
given special permits

Eat, Shït, and Die

Sandwich chain's name inspires other brands

Harnessing emotions
to solve energy crisis

Fuelled by kittens and outrage

Catholic rewards app

What do points make? Piety!

Rise in mobile use by under-zeros

Concern over amount of
social networking by foetuses

Linguist discovers 'perfect' photo caption

Schoolbook caption hailed as
'lexical Holy Grail'

Save the English coastline

One man's crusade to conserve
England's traditional edges

Fashion cabal has dark secret

Middle-aged billionaires compete
to make teenagers look stupid

Artist brings roof down

Shocking exhibition by radical
new conceptual artist

Series of bizarre deaths

Detectives investigate
baffling homicides

Midwinter festival deadlock

Negotiations continue for
ownership of December 25th

Street Games

The new craze of live-action board games

Binge watching addicts

Middle-class Brits hooked on American product

Face Palm

The undo button for life

Mustard Horoscopes

by Agnes McScratch

pt.1: Survival

"Sharks are attracted to urine, so just pee on the other passengers."

pt.2: Women

"When men were men,
and women were often boys in drag."

pt.3: Health

"We need the good old traditional British diseases back"

pt.4: Plagues

"Death rates were over 100%, as the plague killed those compiling the statistics."

pt.5: Poor

"Sponge off your relatives: I've wrung my folks, in strict rotation, 'til they squeaked."

pt.6: Food

"What larks we had! Roasted, with a side of green beans and potatoes."

pt.7: Wealth

"I've outlived several of my children; it's been open season on them from birth."

pt.8: Currency

"Gold? Never base your currency on something other people can dig up."

pt.9: Sport

"Shotguns or surnames, I prefer them double-barrelled."

Patella Head

"My knees lacked the structural integrity they had enjoyed pre-Nissan Micra."

Hasta la Visa

"Traffic lights are for guidance only here, so try not to look."