Local stadium is secret space ark

Key members of society to escape apocalypse in government-built spaceship

The new football stadium being constructed outside Birmingham is, in reality, a 'space-ark' designed to enable top scientists, high ranking members of the government and important celebrities to escape the upcoming planetary apocalypse – that's according to a shock theory by one Tumblr blogger.

Fred Wolfman has been monitoring the construction site from his flat overlooking the grounds: "I've been watching it from my window: a vast structure taking shape on the horizon, emerging above the rooftops as it grows, fed by a pack of towering cranes. Shimmering in the haze, tiny figures can be seen moving about its surface."

According to several ancient scriptures – and most SyFy movies – some sort of nonspecific but visually impressive global apocalypse is due to occur pretty much any day now.

Officially, the government says that they do not take these archaic predictions seriously. But the online conspiracy theorists are claiming that several large-scale construction projects are more than they seem.

As Wolfman puts it: "Today I'm looking out on a seemingly innocent building site. But soon we could be witnessing scenes of mass pandemonium: waves of humanity surging towards the ship, our dying planet shuddering beneath their feet as people clamour to be let on, heavily armed guards forcing them back while last-minute giraffes are helicoptered in before launch."

"The only question," he said. "Is whether the Illuminati are building these enormous space arks to escape a planet-killing asteroid, biblical flood, alien attack or zombie apocalypse."

"My money's on the zombies. Clearly, The Walking Dead is a secret government training video. How else can you explain the shoddy plotting and inconsistent characterisation?"

~ A.M.

Illo: S.C.