Headlines

Tube Rats Failing To Swipe In and Out of Oyster Zones

Other Half Has 51% Controlling Interest in Relationship

BA Pilot Given Green Light: Mr T 'delighted' to film A-Team spin-off

Yin & Yang to Split - Couple cite 'irreconcilable differences'

October delayed for at least three years: officials blame 'unforeseen circumstances'

Dinosaur extinction caused by heartbreak: 'they all just pined away' claims report by recently dumped palaeontologist.

Musician begins work on difficult second marriage

I am an accident that wasn't my fault - baby sues parents

~ A.M.

Headline: euthanasia SPONSORED BUNGEE JUMP 'LEAST SUCCESSFUL RIDE EVER' SAY Alton TOWERS

Headline: GOVERNMENT UNVEILS PLAN TO REPLACE INTERNET WITH SHOUTING

Headline: HOME SHOPPING PRESENTER DESCRIBES ITEM 268 AS 'A GOOD FIGHTING RING'

HEALTH & SAFETY OFFICER SUES OVER R.S.I. FROM LIFTING INCREASINGLY HEAVY GUIDELINES

Headline: THIRD WORLD ADDED TO ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST

~ R.F.

In Brief

Sport
Cricket body admits
rules made up as they go along,
"Just like Mornington Crescent"

A.M. / S.C.

Fashion
Scarf Ace
"I really like this scarf!"
Inside Al Pacino's wardrobe

A.M. / S.C.

Health
Britain sells NHS to America
Infrastructure to be shipped over on giant tankers

A.M. / J.B.

Travel
Northampton tube opens for business
"A transport system to rival that of London"

A.M.

Opinion
"We shall never give in to your demands, no matter how reasonable!"

A.M. / J.B.

Culture
Morrissey dancers
New craze sweeps England

A.M. / J.B.

Society
Lashings and ginger beer!
The rise of Enid Blyton fetish clubs

A.M. / A.W.

TV
This week in the soaps
A bit of a whale, some chemicals
and a pubic hair

A.M. / A.W.

Society
Pet Dispensary
RSPCA criticise
puppy-vending machines

A.M. / A.W.

Food
Pop Quorn
The cinema snack
with no animal fat

A.M. / A.W.

Fashion
Bible belt
Easy hip-holder access to the
new and old testaments

A.M. / A.W.

Technology
Wii-ja Board
Contact the other side via
your games console

A.M. / A.W.

Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes

Health & Beauty
Pamper yourself with our complete bodycare range

A.M. / A.W.

TV
'Are You Harder Than
a Ten-Year-Old?'
Controversial new game show

A.M. / A.W.

TV
Everybody Scrubs Frasier
Cross-breeding the sitcom

A.M. / A.W.

Media
Haiku tweets
Each passing thought,
saved for posterity,
typed from the loo

A.M. / A.W.

Travel
Did you know?
'San Miguel' is Spanish
for 'same again'

A.M. / A.W.

Don't give money to marketing people, 'they'll only spend it on drugs'

Media
Don't give money to homeless marketing people, 'they'll only spend it on drugs'

A.M. / A.W.

Family
Should left-handed and
right-handed people marry?
Ambidextrous kids
struggle to fit in

A.M. / A.W.

Society
Treacherous road executed

A.M. / A.W.

Crime
Murder at butler convention
Detectives baffled

A.M. / A.W.

Food
I hope that someone gets my
MSG in a bottle

A.M. / A.W.

Music
I'd rather be MC Hammer than Jimmy Nail
Yes I would, I surely would

A.M. / A.W.

Lifestyle
Not so much alpha male as Betamax
My dating life

A.M. / A.W.

Puzzle Corner

Mandelbroltu
Fill in the squares with the relevant letter, number or symbol so that each longitudinal and latitudinal string creates a perfect emotional singularity.
Last week's solution:
The soft pleasure of a cool pillow against the skin.

A.M.

Travel Twister
Left middle-finger green / right index-finger blue / right little-finger yellow / right ring-finger red / left index-finger yellow / left middle-finger green / right ring-finger blue / right little-finger red / left ring-finger blue.
Tie breaker: left thumb green.

A.M.