Hot new artist brings the roof down

Shocking exhibition by 'radical' conceptual artist

Survivors of Neil Arbach's final performance piece are calling it a "life-changing, even life-ending event". The 45-year-old artist came to prominence just six short weeks ago, having laboured in obscurity for decades whilst producing unfashionably traditional paintings.

He burst into the limelight after a sudden switch to conceptual art, beginning with an eight-foot-high pile of elephant dung that he exhibited outside the Tate Modern gallery, topped with a sign reading '£0' and titled Worthless Pile of Shit.

Critics loved it, hailing it as "a literally breathtaking work". Invigorated by this reaction, Arbach immediately embarked on a follow-up. Rescuing items from his neighbours' bins, he used an industrial lathe to chamfer down all the sharp edges, constructing them into a two-storey-high exclamation mark entitled Pointless Trash.

Yet more acclaim was showered on this second piece, but rather than attend any of the parties held in his honour by the art world elite, Arbach threw himself into an even more groundbreaking work.

In a radical piece of performance art, he spent several days bashing his head against a large brick wall, using the resulting blood to smear the words 'THIS IS NOT ART' on it in two-foot-high letters. It was the huge critical success of this work that led to his decision to hold last night's exhibition, inviting the many admirers whom he had previously sought to avoid.

As a huge crowd of adoring critics and celebrities crowded into his purpose-built exhibition hall, Arbach, speaking from a large yellow bulldozer in the centre of the building, gave an impassioned speech about how art should truly reflect the feelings of the artist, before driving the vehicle into the central supporting column, collapsing the structure down upon them.

"It was magnificent," sobbed lone survivor Darren Statement, as he was pulled out of the rubble. "A radical reimagining of Carl Andre's seminal 1974 work Big Pile of Bricks. Clearly, Neil Arbach was a true devotee of conceptual art. Although his body lies lifeless and mangled, we can at least ensure that his name is forever associated with the art form he loved."

~ A.M.

Illo: S.C.