Ugly people to get better parking spaces

Less attractive people will be given special permits

"It has long been accepted that beautiful people have more advantages in life," said councilman Joe Benowski last night. "We're just trying to redress the balance in one small way."

Mr Ball was defending his local council's controversial new policy of issuing unattractive people with special parking permits. The so-called 'help the homely' scheme provides a range of parking concessions for people who classify as 'beatifically challenged'.

Citizens issued with a Genuinely Unattractive Resident Notification (GURN) will be entitled to free parking spaces in the city centre and permission to park on some double yellow lines. In cases of extreme unattractiveness, they will be allowed to park inside the building's foyer.

"Unsightly people are often denied admission to the better nightclubs or breeding partners," said the councillor. "But now they will have preferential access to our many fine shops and local facilities."

The permit badges will be displayed in the windscreen of the car, and will prominently feature a photo of the owner. The degree of unattractiveness – and the associated level of permissions – would therefore be clear to the parking wardens.

Overnight, council-approved 'No Handsomes' signs have appeared around the city centre, stating: 'If you seem too attractive to park here, we will ask to see your GURN.'

Asked whether these new parking permits will clash with those given to disabled people, Mr Benowski shook his head: "Not at all, this is part of a integrated transport policy, and I'm happy to say we will be significantly upgrading transport for all wheelchair users." Asked to be more specific, the councillor smiled broadly, saying, "One word: jetpacks."

~ A.M.

Illo: S.C.