Harsh tube lighting
used to curb overpopulation

Newly declassified papers have revealed that the unflattering lighting in tube trains is designed to deter inebriated young couples from sleeping together.

Many Londoners have experienced long journeys home in late-night tube carriages, swathed in the familiar unflattering fluorescent glow. But few realise that this lighting has been rigorously designed and tested to make other travellers look as pale and jaundiced as possible.

In 68% of monitored cases, this lighting, combined with the effects of the alcohol starting to wear off, resulted in one or both members of a new couple changing their minds and backing out before they got back to the bachelor pad, bedsit or shag-den.

Additionally, government behaviourologists have ensured that ambient taxi lighting is much more forgiving, bathing potential couples in a soft orange hue as they journey to their middle-class love-grotto.

This favours the wealthier courting couples in the hope that they will be more able to finance any children that result from their drunken, fumbling copulations.

~ A.M.

 

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