Jet-powered car breaks speed of smell

Fifty years ago today, delighted automotive engineers in Bedfordshire announced that their jet-powered racing Mini had successfully broken the speed of smell.

This is a red letter day for engineering" said project mastermind Preston Tackett, as a single manly tear trickled down his cheek and rivers of bloody snot gushed from his nose.

"It's been three years of backbreaking work since I was made redundant from my job at Cov Radiators. But it all paid off last night when my vehicle, 'Death Trap IV', broke the smell barrier."

Many scientists had previously believed that the speed of smell could not be achieved by a human being – that human nasal passages would be unable to cope with the excessive strain of 28Gs (28 x the smell of garlic).

Tackett, however, was something of a visionary and not the sort of man to take "Jesus Christ, no!" for an answer.

His preparations for the task included a strict regimen of nappy changing, made possible by the 11 children that his wife had given birth to specifically for the task. He would also feed the local rugby team his home-made jalapeño curry, then sit with them in the confined space of their locker room, all to help his nostrils toughen up for the world record attempt.

Tackett went on to describe the moment that he broke the speed of smell. "My ears popped, my nostrils flared to three times their normal diameter and my throat spasmed violently. It was as if I had smelled God himself."

These days, of course, millions cross the Atlantic by super-olfactory jet and are familiar with the telltale vomiting sound as the smell barrier is broken.

But what of Mr Tackett? Many years later, after dedicating himself to well over a decade of research and experimentation, Tackett successfully broke the taste barrier, this time with a joke he made during a wedding speech. No-one has spoken to him since.

~ A.M.

 

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