World's worst serial killer

Pereguine Beard has been branded as the "world's worst serial killer" after his decade-long killing spree resulted in the deaths of not one single person.

"He was easily the worst serial killer I've ever encountered," said FBI agent Clarence Watkins, shaking his head sadly. "I mean, you've got to give him credit for tenacity, but he really was terrible at it."

"After we caught him," he continued, "we were all kinda looking forward to treating him as a monstrous hate figure, but frankly we just ended up feeling sorry for him."

Despite continuous attempts to murder people over a period of 10 years, Mr Beard failed to end a single human life. In fact, at one point his massive incompetence resulted in him accidentally saving the lives of one young couple, technically giving him a final death toll of minus two.

Police point to his overly literal mind as one reason for failure. "Taking the song lyrics 'too much love can kill you' at face value, he attempted to murder one victim with flowers and expensive holidays", commented Officer Keighley. "And don't even get me started on the whole 'death by chocolate' debacle."

Mr Beard was eventually arrested on a charge of falsifying Wikipedia pages, after he kept updating the list of Top 10 serial killers with his own name.

~ A.M.

 

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