Cruel prank targets
nation's arsewits

Thousands of young men across Britain have been fooled by a new lad's mag that covertly featured interesting, informative and non-nudity related articles.

The cover of Wahey!, with its slogan 'women: prepare to be objectified!', promised tits, bums and advice for living like you're in a Danny Dyer movie. But the lad's mag audience – identified by market analysts as 'men who lack the nerve or height to buy real pornography' – were unprepared for the well-researched articles and informed opinions.

Even more despicably, the articles in Wahey! gradually increased in quality through the magazine; so, like a frog slowly boiling to death in a saucepan, the readers didn't notice what was happening until it was too late.

Current estimates are that several hundred blokes may have accidentally read articles on subjects as dangerous as science, literature or philosophy. It is not yet known what lasting impact this will have on the shell-shocked arsewit community.

One bewildered reader, Mr Alan Pinecone (34), said, "I just buy these mags for the airbrushed flesh. But without any warning, my brain became engaged. It's been days since it happened, but I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, my mind full of... information. I mean, why me, y'know? I just wanted something to read, but now I've become aware of the outside world. Yesterday, I was in the pub and, without realising, I had an informed opinion on something. It all went quiet, people looked away, then wandered off. I just want my life back."

Karl Spenser (28) also picked up a copy of Wahey!, but for him the effects have been more severe. Experts (his mates) say he has been taken in by "Arty-farty lesbian propaganda. And not the good type of lesbian".

Mr Spenser told us his story from a secure location where he was being 'deprogrammed': "I was on my break at work, reading the mag in a toilet cubicle. There was an article on the rainforests, saying how this species of monkey is being wiped out. Y'know, I used to really be into animals when I was a kid. Dad used to read me these safari adventure stories at bedtime. I'd forgotten all about that. I guess the article got me interested again, because the next day I was walking past the library and thought 'what the hell', y'know? Turns out there are loads of books in there, about all sorts of stuff. I just got... sucked in."

A police raid on the magazine's distribution centre has uncovered horrific plans to follow up Wahey! with an equivalent women's mag called Enjoy! (other people's misfortune). Those plans may have been stopped, but for now the terrorist's lad victims continue to suffer.

~ A.M.

Illo: B.S.

 

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