Apple: iLitigate

Software giant begins waves of copyright prosecutions

With profits falling since the death of Steve Jobs, Apple's new management have started sending shock troop lawyers after anyone infringing their copyright of using the letter 'i' at the beginning of a word.

Everyone from Imax cinemas to members of the ibex climbing ungulate family is feeling their wrath. In perhaps the harshest case, the remains of celebrated sci-fi author Isaac Asimov were exhumed to face charges aginst his short-story collection 'I, Robot.'

Action is now being taken against the use of the first person singular, meaning phrases such as 'I think therefore I am' must now be written as 'Someone who is me thinks, therefore is.'

Apple lawyers are also attempting to copyright 'i' when used as a suffix, abbreviation, Roman numeral or mathematical or chemical symbol.

The name 'Mac' is also the source of conflict. Lawyers have asked garment manufacturers to remove labels saying 'mac' or 'macintosh' and replace them with non-copyrighted words such as 'oilskin' or 'wetcoat'.

The Clan MacIntosh is having to call themselves 'the Clan formerly known as MacIntosh', pending a decision from the European Court of Human Rights (whose judges anonymously received boxes of freshly minted iPhones and iPads this morning).

Also in litigation are the Dirty Mac Brigade, the MicMac Indians of Canada, and fast food giant MacDonalds – now O'Donalds, and launching their Irish themed menu of 'Big O', 'Fillet O'O'Fish', 'Chicken Shamrocks' and new advertising slogan: "Bejesus, I'm loving it!"

~ R.B.