Ralph Aspinall

pt.1: Survival

"Sharks are attracted to urine, so just pee on the other passengers."

pt.2: Women

"When men were men,
and women were often boys in drag."

pt.3: Health

"We need the good old traditional British diseases back"

pt.4: Plagues

"Death rates were over 100%, as the plague killed those compiling the statistics."

pt.5: Poor

"Sponge off your relatives: I've wrung my folks, in strict rotation, 'til they squeaked."

pt.6: Food

"What larks we had! Roasted, with a side of green beans and potatoes."

pt.7: Wealth

"I've outlived several of my children; it's been open season on them from birth."

pt.8: Currency

"Gold? Never base your currency on something other people can dig up."

pt.9: Sport

"Shotguns or surnames, I prefer them double-barrelled."

#3: Grey Dust

"Fourteen. Men. Dead. He should've had the minibus serviced."

Patella Head

"My knees lacked the structural integrity they had enjoyed pre-Nissan Micra."