Writer's Block:
First Chapters From Unwritten Novels

#7: Management Tips

Ginger Pinkberg, resting between jobs following a sudden departure from Futuretech Inc, shares her expertise.

Communication is a watchword for today's manager, so liberally pepper your management communications with business-speak. It keeps staff on their toes as they try to ascertain whether you really do believe that synergistic B2B viral marketing campaigns can leverage intellectual capital for a win-win paradigm.

It is important to keep abreast of the latest expressions so that colleagues don't have enough time to gauge their meaning. This obfuscation will guarantee you a reputation for cutting edge dynamism, while preventing any strategic gaffes being traced back to you.

Don't forget that your team – I like to call them 'the Little Guys' – are busy, inferior and easily confused. So type all emails in the form of a telegram; save them from thinking by formulating each sentence as closely to an order as possible. For emails which contain bad news, consider a sombre black border.

A good manager can explain business decisions in their terms. So for that chubby guy in Accounts, explain pension packages in terms of cakes, or bonuses in unit cost of liposuction.

A corollary of good communication is excellent client relationship management. For established clients, use affectionate nicknames, like 'Trouble' or 'Tough Guy'. Sign each email with a kiss or 'miss you'.

When business is slack, send them a photo of your family with your toddler's head blacked out in marker pen. Make it clear – in a light-hearted way – that a lack of projects will result in his dismemberment during sinister sacrificial rites performed in Meeting Room C.

New clients

The first client meeting is critical. Thorough preparation should be carried out in the following four areas:

1. Their company: what was their most embarrassing loss-making venture in the last five years? Have any senior directors been accused of embezzlement, negligence or adultery? Your level of knowledge will surprise them, and ensure they remember your contribution.

2. The contact: call HR posing as a police officer and get their home address and employee records. If you have time, run a credit check and obtain their spouse and children's names. All of this information will set you up well when it comes to understanding their motivations and achieving shared goals.

3. Yourself: check your top, tie or blouse. Are there any stains? If yes, turn it inside out. If you can still see it, wear it back-to-front. 34 per cent of first meetings fail because the service provider's shirt has a mark on it that looks a bit like semen. Slap your face to get the circulation going, drink a double espresso or rub a half gram of cocaine into your gums to order your thoughts. Most meetings are deathly boring, so break the ice with a short introductory rap.

4. Your team: if turning up late to a meeting, ask your subordinate to swap places so that you can sit next to the client. Be sure to publicly reprimand staff for any behaviour which might adversely affect your encounter: breathing too loudly, using Times New Roman on the agenda, or squinting unnecessarily.

At end of your meeting, give your client an emotional bear-hug and slap their back as you wipe a tear from your eye – they'll no doubt be doing the same.

~ E.T.

Illo: A.W.