Avatar sequels delayed until next stage of human evolution

James Cameron has refused to release the next trilogy of Avatar sequels because he believes human senses in their present state cannot do the films justice.

"The problem is", he explained, "we have been working to achieve a level of detail and actuality that the moviegoing audience just won't be able to appreciate. We invented cutting-edge software, broke new ground and ripped open the envelope, only to realise that people's eyes just aren't up to scratch.

For example, whilst developing Avatar II: Electric Bluegaloo, we realised that there weren't enough colours available. We had to invent another 57 for the costumes alone. You just can't rely on the current spectrum. It's old hat and we needed something new and fresh.

Then there were the geometric limitations. There's only so many shapes available, so we had to imagineer new ones. In the end we just threw out accepted spatial principles and made up our own.

It's the same for audio. The sound designers have worked their guts out devising new ultrasonic frequencies because, once again, reality had let us down. John Williams worked flat-out to build new instruments. Although I'm still not convinced we shouldn't just create a whole new John Williams.

Anyway, we don't want to have gone to all this trouble only to have it ruined by the limitations of human biology. You'll have to wait until evolution or genetic engineering catch up with us.

We estimate you'll need about eight eyes, all rotoscopic. And the CGI rendering will look like Pathé News under anything as myopic as an electroscope, so maybe we need some kind of hominid–arachnid chimera, with the ears of a bat and a bloodstream comprising high levels of psilocybin.

That should be almost enough. Damn, it's gonna be a bitch if we have to invent a whole new species just so I don't get crappy reviews."

~ R.F.

 

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