Listicles

Manly things I have yet to do

1. Crawl through an air duct.

2. Outrun a fireball.

3. Reload a gun before the spent cartridge hits the floor.

4. Throw a sheriff's badge into the sand.

5. Hurl a man into a jet engine.

6. Eat a peach with a dagger.

7. Throw some dog tags into the sea.

8. Yell "take the wheel!" at a passenger.

9. Punch a hole through a wall next to the person's head I'd really like to punch but it goes against my strict moral code to do so.

10. Exercise.

 

First draft
chat-up lines

1. You look so good I want to tattoo your face onto my face.

2. You're giving me a raging heart-on.

3. You smell better than the best toilet I've ever been in.

4. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put 'U' and 'I' together... although that would mean a total teardown of the English language cause widespread confusion and thoroughly ruin the lives of anyone who relies on the alphabet for their profession, such as librarians, filing clerks or nursery school teachers.

5. Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?
I'm guessing it did by your horribly misshapen head.

 

Phrases I use when I have
no idea what I'm talking about

1. It's a rich tapestry.

2. It's all relative.

3. It's the human condition

4. Well, that's one opinion.

5. It's swings and roundabouts, isn't it?

6. It came about organically.

7. It is what it is.

~ D.B.

Illo: M.D.

 

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