The Skinny & Nod Dialogues

#5: Bag

"Oy! No, you ain't going through, you nosey bleeder."

"Says he's a copper."

"What, and they're not nosey? They're always asking stuff: 'How many times did you hit him?', 'Was he always that colour?', 'At what point did the deceased say he fancied a paddle in the canal?'."

"No, sir, that does not count as a confession, 'cause Skinny doesn't know what he's on about. Now, why doesn't sir just go about his business?"

"Says this is his business. Has to go through to do the forensic work. Must be what all this palaver is about."

"Palaver?"

"Yeah, you know. All the plastic streamers and stuff. I thought we were minding a street party."

"Well that explains why that bloke didn't get up when you gave him the ol' prescription from Doc Marten."

"Yeah – hold on, who's this now?"

"Jesus, what's he comes as? A bleedin' carrier bag?"

"That's crime scene clothing, mate. Stops contamination."

"I think they're looking for a murder weapon."

"Bit late, innit? Someone's already killed him."

"Yeah. Y'know, I think there's a good case for locking up anyone who looks really normal and is 'no bother to anyone' – it's always them what's done it in the end. The mad-looking ones never cause any bother, so long as you give 'em plenty of elbow room in the pub."

"Then there's the blokes with coats over their heads – you see 'em coming out of the police stations and you think, how fuckin' hard was it to find him? A guy wearing his bleedin' coat on his head?"

"Yeah, they should make those identikit artists practice drawing coats instead of wasting time drawing people who look like they've had their faces assembled by the Home Secretary."

"Worst thing I ever heard was my uncle…"

"Why, what's he sound like?"

"No, I mean, he got caught for robbing a Post Office and the bastard police didn't give him a coat. Said it was 'cut-backs'. He had to come walking out in front of the cameras with a sodding tea towel on his head: 'Beauty Spots of North Wales'. Small tea towel, of course – hardly covered him. He had Welcome To Llangollen plastered all over his face…"

"That's terrible, innit?"

"Just adds insult to injury, mate. He could never visit Wales again after that…"

"Every cloud's got a silver lining then, eh?"

"You muppet."

~ R.F.

Illo: A.W.