The Skinny & Nod Dialogues

#2: Self

"Could we see some photo ID, sir? Just need to check you against the list."

"Just a formality, sir. Booker Prize is quite the exclusive event, scalpers have been making a mint."

"Noddy's right. No offence, but you could be anybody."

"Don't suppose you have a copy of your novel on you? Artist's photo would do nicely. No? How about a recent bank statement?"

"Gas bill? Decree Nisi?"

"No shame in that, sir. Divorce is very common today."

"Couldn't help notice that your shirt was needing an iron."

"No point letting yourself go. Ironing is no longer the sole domain of woman."

"It certainly isn't tainted with effeminacy like it used to be."

"Yeah, the New Man thing doesn't necessarily require us to be epicene, sir."

"What's that? Epicene? Yeah, well we had that Will Self in the queue earlier."

"Nice bloke. Looks a bit like Death warmed up. Like in that film by Ingrid Bergman. Hit his head on the door on the way in."

"Six foot five."

"They say he's the hot favourite this year, sir. Present company excluded, of course. Got his autograph, could make a few quid on eBay."

"We'd met him before, actually, back when he did a review of London club bouncers for Time Out."

"That was our previous employment, sir. He said I had 'a face like a fist and a voice like a fist at work'."

"Read the bit about me."

"Here it is: 'He cracked his knuckles as one might find a gunslinger cocking his revolver, not so much ready to pan the weapon as trepan any who transgress the prehistoric dress-code. This was sabre-rattling in miniature, which could well be said to encompass his visits to the enscripted lavatory cubicles wherein he might piss away what few values still lurk like unwelcome and uncomfortable stones in his gut'."

"Quality. See the photo?"

"That's us. 'Neanderthalia of the like which the humble gynaecologist might have wink back at him every day'."

"He said I was 'wearing a blackened eye like the most conspicuous of medals, for every accumulated contusion ribboned a vain credo of the gym-blown Next suit'."

"Yeah, Will's okay. Hey, Nod, remember when you asked him if, when he cracked one off, it was Self-abuse?"

"Bloke knows how to take a joke, Skinny."

"Yeah. Now, as for that Germaine Greer..."

~ R.F.

Illo: A.W.