Letters Page

Don't blame us, you wrote them

Issue Two

Mustard Masthead

Last night my friend dropped his bag and as he was scooping the contents off the pavement, I noticed the Mustard masthead and thought it looked friendly and inviting and wondered what it was.

Then I logged into Facebook this morning and a completely different friend had added you.

Coincidence?

As Douglas Adams said, these sort of coincidences happen all the time.

But then: Douglas Adams is on the cover of one of your back issues!

Coincidence?

Yes.

Anyway, congratulations on your endeavour. It looks brill. All the best,

Jim Holland, Brighton

Great to hear that you were attracted by the masthead font, this justifies my many hours of anal tweaking.

So to speak.

Linehan love

I loved your Graham Linehan interview, and laughed at some of the jokes.

Keep up the good work,

Bruce Dessau, London

In-Jokes

Great mag! I love the little fanboy refs like This Issue's Evil Corporate Sponsor and mentioning Firefly in the 'Soulmate on a Train' bit.

Can't wait for the next issue!

Dave Killingback,

Girl on Train

I stumbled upon your article, Girl on Train is Soulmate in Passenger's Imagination and hit a wall of nostalgia.

Last summer, sitting on the District Line to Stepney Green, I was distracted from my sketchbook when the young man sitting opposite asked my name.

When I told him, he stood up, dropped something into my lap and got off at Westminster, never to be seen again.

This being shortly after the London bombings I initially feared for my life, before realising that the object was in fact a tube map, which had been scribbled on.

Below is my faithful reproduction of the map, in acrylics, as later incorporated into my A-Level art project.

(Perhaps I should clarify that I was wearing pink polka dot shoes and thick-rimmed black glasses, carrying a Swedish bag and listening to Arcade Fire.)

At the time I felt regret at not knowing the fate of this charming admirer, but somehow I suspect it is for the best. Amélie is, after all, a work of fiction.

I hope this email has lightened your spirits, reassured you that yes, imaginings on public transport may be best left to yourself, but that every once in a while they may be reciprocated, or at least appreciated. After all, I got full marks in my Art 'A' Level.

Carole Kenrick, Bristol

It's a Gas

I was Googling 'mustard gas' for a history project, and to my delight finally found a magazine worth reading!

I must've re-read my copy at least 20 times! Keep up the great work,

Stephanie Tudgey, Hampshire

Someone's cross

You are all ungrateful idiots.

Sincerely,

'A Catholic' (via email)

JRQ

I am writing to say that the 'Jumper Removal Quandary' ublished in your fine magazine is a scam and doesn't work. Good day.

Jacques Everiss

Sorry, Jacques, it only works if you're English, and preferably middle class.

Please send SAE for our instructions on 'Le Dilemme de Cavalier Déménagement'.

Reader's Prize

 

Issue Three

Ball

Thank you, thank you and once again (in the inimitable words of Bobby Ball) thank you – for producing the magazine I've been wanting to read ever since Squib closed down after six issues in the 1990s.

Rock on!

Gary Dring, Birmingham

Well, we're on issue #03, so half way to Squib's record. And 5,035 short of The Onion...

Italy

Hi! I just want to tell you that your magazine is absolutely fantastic and amazing! I only discovered it recently because I'm Italian, and only arrived in London two months ago. But now I'll fight to obtain all the other issues, and I'll recommend it to my friends. You are definitely a genius!

When I get back to Italy I'll buy some copies on your website. Bye and good luck!

Elisa, Italy

Everyday

Hello there, I thought you might like to see this comic detailing the perils of reading Mustard magazine. It's from a series I draw twice a week, about little everyday things that I hope people can relate to.

I picked up the first issue at XS Malarkey, a comedy night in Manchester, and I was so engrossed in the interview that I found myself further down my bus route than I've ever been.

Keep up the good work and I look forward to the next issue,

Adam Cadwell, Manchester

Tube

Hello Mustard,

I just wanted to say that your magazine made me laugh on public transport this weekend. So thank you.

Billy Drinkwater, Portsmouth

Suggestion

A comedy magazine is a good idea, one that I have thought about in the past.

However, your mag is not really mainstream enough. A lot of it I have forgotten about to be honest. It does seem in a way to have too many 'in-house' jokes.

You should have a lot more mainstream jokes. I know it's against artist's integrity, but isn't the plan to make more people laugh?

Anon (via online questionnaire)

My mother-in-law is so fat...

Desk

I must say, I am enjoying Mustard a great deal.

I'm thoroughly jealous of your collapsible desk, as seen in your staff page photo. I've got a desk from my old school too (my dad inexplicably coated it in Bovril-coloured varnish which I now can't get off), but it doesn't collapse or have an inkwell, so is the dreary cousin of yours.

Helen Zaltzman, London

Manchester

This is the best mag I've ever read, probably. Is it only printed and sold in Manchester?

Matthew Smith, Manchester

Cheers! Actually, Mustard is put together on my laptop here in London, but it's also on the international interwebs.

Letters

I just finished reading my copy of Mustard, it was fantastic! My sides have split from laughing so hard.

The interview with Michael Palin was amazing and the memoirs of Colonel Coleman was probably one of the best. The letters page was pretty awesome too!

You guys at Mustard HQ are legends!

Stephanie Tudgey, Hampshire

Yes, we like the letters page too, as it's the only bit we don't have to write.

Reader's Prize

 

Issue Four

No letters page this issue, due to the extra-long Alan moore interview.

 

Issue Five

Models

Just wanted to say that I'm loving the mag. I'm spreading the word (my models of Roy and Moss from your 'Cut-out-and-make your own Mustard cover stars' are helping). Looking forward to seeing the next edition when you can manage it.

Emma Clark, Manchester

Money

Consistently funny, enlightening, entertaining, and cheap. Cheap is good. Make more!

Anthony Carpendale

Guardian

I read about Mustard in The Guardian Guide. The interviews are really interesting and the variety of cartoons is ace. Mustard's exactly the kind of magazine I would have liked to have done, had I not been too stupid and lazy.

Becky Sutton, Sheffield

Dodgem

Hi Alex, I just wanted to write and say how much I enjoyed your contributions to Dodgem Logic. Great stuff, as ever! I was wondering if more Mustard regulars might be transitioning over to Dodgem Logic, like Matt Berry, for instance?

Johnny Walker

Quite possibly; Matt's a big Alan Moore fan and I put them in touch a while back, so watch this space. Well, not this space, but a space that has Dodgem Logic in it.

Cheese

Mustard is the best thing I've read in a very long time, it's refreshing, witty, laced with in-jokes and has a great range of humour. It's the Mustardy kick in an otherwise dull cheese sauce. Absolutely fantastic, here's hoping it will have a long and fruitful future when things pick up.

Katrina, Dorset

Rag

I really appreciate the effort that's gone into Mustard. Britain needs a good comedy rag and it's a shame that issue 5 isn't quickly forthcoming. Have you considered asking for donations on the website?

James Ellison

Dunno about donations, but if you all bought a set of Mustard postcards, that'd be ace.

Fandango

In-depth interviews, cracking graphics, top cartoons and bigging up Fandango: quality! Couldn't you give up your job, sell the Big Issue Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and sort out Mustard the other days?

Fenella Fudge

Middle

I like Mustard but blimey, it's the most middle class thing I've ever read.

Arthur Smate, London

NME

Hi Alex, I came across Mustard after seeing an NME news story about Alan Moore. It was great (and also fairly shocking, in a good way) to see that you do most of the work yourself. I've become an instant fan and have linked to Mustard from my music news website electric-banana.co.uk.

Andy

Soup

I love Mustard. It's a perfect concoction of comedy, like a delicious soup on a cold winter's day. In my opinion, the hiatus is the saddest thing to happen due to the recession, I eagerly await the next issue, whenever it will be and I love you. x

Charley Reed

Reader's Prize

 

Issue Six

Mustard Fish

This Mustard review comes from a Belgian fan, and has been sublimely translated by Google Translate:

I love my arrows Mustard! These are times of welcome and brotherhood, and moreover it is an unusually funny pub.

Mustard is flawed, because people wait until they have enough funds before a new number one on the market throws. It is therefore imperative that the magazine up to utmost concern to buyers.

Each page is stabbed with jokes, while preserving the layout confusing, even into the margin.

Obviously this is not just a magazine for everyone. A sound knowledge of English is necessary for all such jokes and puns fully understand. A mediocre nature of British history and politics is also desirable.

The funniest are the news items scattered throughout the leaf and the posters for blockbusters nonexistent.

Also very funny is 'Overheard', for which readers on the street caught snatches illustrated.

You can order directly through the leaf, their excellent service has made a few days later, plop on the doormat.

You can also find there some previews, so buying a pig in a poke to get around.

If you like naughty, but clever, tongue in cheek absurdity seasoned with British-Saharan dryness with allure then you're OK.

I laughed out loud, which almost never happens when I printed humorous look under my take.

—Peter Moerenhout, Belgium

I am aware that this is the funniest thing we will ever publish in Mustard, and have therefore fired the entire staff, including myself.

Car-pe PM

I took this photo in a parking garage in Fremont, Seattle! Recognize the license plate?

—Steve Jones, Seattle

It was Steve's friend Jester who wrote issue #05a's 'Carpe PM' gag, which seems to have made it to Seattle.

Several years ago Steve (who wrote issue #01's 'Lion & the B') and I drove across the USA in the light blue Volvo seen in the back of this photo – good times!

Unicorn

Arthur Smate is right, Mustard is far too middle class. It's a bit too fanboyish too – what film was Tyrrel Corp from???

—Steve Jive, via Email

Sorry, you just failed the Voight-Kampf test.

Vox-Pops

Snippets of answers from our website questionnaire:

You're doing stellar work, and have in me found a lifelong reader! Thank you!

—Ken Tranekjer, Denmark

I love Mustard and so does my wife.

—Gareth Pashley

Comedy loveliness printed onto paper. A noble and brilliant thing.

—Rik Moore

I love the Mustard-tinted take on pop culture fodder. Witty, sarky satire that's endearing at the same time.

—Andrew, Portsmouth

Keep going. I live in Germany, so I need all the comedy I can get.

—Steve Dix, Germany

I love Mustard. The best read since Bugs and Drugs magazine!

—Eskild Jacobsen, Norway

Liked: The way you chaps dig up hard-to-find celebrities for up-close-and-personal sessions. Disliked: The dearth of distribution in East Asia.

—Huang Jiehan, Singapore

Liked: that it's an actual mag I can hold in my hands and clutter up my house with.

—Steven Johnston, Workington

Disliked: The odd pagination.

—Loki

Where'd you find Mustard? Can't remember, it's always been part of my life.

—Barry Delve, Buckinghamshire

Reader's Prize

 

Issue Seven

Shelves

Mustard is a unique personality amongst the shelves of the bland and glossy mainstream. It should be mandatory reading for fans of British comedy.

Rob Bonass, Poole

Carpet

Thanks for publishing such great mags. Stewart Lee kindly signed my issue #05 after I saw his show Carpet Remnant World – he was really on top form.

Vernon Nash, Hampshire

Merton

Hey, I saw Paul Merton do your pasta/anti-pasta explosion joke on Have I Got News For You – are you writing for him now?

Emma Milton, London

Well, I managed to get some Mustards to him, with a letter asking for an interview. Sadly, he didn't reply. But then a couple of weeks later he did that gag from one of the issues we sent him... so, clearly just a coincidence, said our lawyers.

Wire

I read your The Wire article in the last issue ['Binge watching addiction']. Then, watching the final episode of The Wire later that week, I saw this scene.

Surely proof of Mustard/Wire cross-promotion going on behind the scenes?

Pete Victor, Seattle

Well, there's no way of knowing if David Simon has ever read Mustard, so we can only assume that yes, he definitely has, and he's a massive fan who used his critically acclaimed show to subliminally promote our mag.

Partridge

I was watching the Alan Partridge mini-episodes on the web and he does a whole bit about the word 'mustard' being an expression meaning 'great'.

Which reminded me that in I'm Alan Partridge series 2 he also met a 'mustard magnate'. Have you been bribing Armando Iannucci for product placement?

G.C., Brighton

Once again, I am baffled, but can only conclude that these entertainment giants are conspiring in a secret plan to subliminally plant Mustard's name in the collective subconscious. Of course, it's such a secret plan that I'm sure they'd just deny it outright if you asked them.

Vox-Pops

Snippets of answers from our website questionnaire:

Excellent mag, please make more issues.

—Marc Ofner

Made me laugh out loud!

—Laura Cope, Wolverhampton

I love mustard. The mag's pretty good too.

—Michael Crouch, Norwich

Mustard is absolutely brilliant. I've recommended it to lots of friends! Thanks for this labour of love.

—Barnaby Eaton-Jones

Mustard is awesome.

—Ali Brice, Sussex

Outstanding magazine! Consistently so good, you want to tell your friends about it.

—Jason B. Standing

Can't wait for issue #07, those two pages in Dodgem Logic are never enough.

—Stephen Elsden

Liked: Robot Dad, the meaty interviews, the way the whole magazine is filled with banter.
Disliked: Needs to be less boy-orientated.

—Lucy Marskell, Hong Kong

Liked: the interviews, and loved Soulmate on Train.

—Alix K

Disliked: Some of the 'funny' news articles aren't always funny.

—Jon Sykes, London

Liked: The really long interviews, not 1-pagers like newstand mags.

—Kumar Sivasubramanian, Melbourne

Disliked: Nothing stood out as being unpleasant.

—James Dowell, Tasmania

Reader's Prize

 

Issue Eight

Scooby

In light of your interviewee Stewart Lee's stand-up routine about watching Scooby-Doo all day, and previous letters about Mustard's product placement in cult TV shows, I submit this photo of a scene from direct to DVD classic Scooby-Doo and The Phantosaurus.

Pamela Norris, St Albans

Once again, my illuminati influence makes its presence felt. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair.

Sterling

I'm enormously impressed by your magazine – sterling work, sir!

Nick Jones, Leeds

Abroad

Just wanted to say I appreciate the work and creativity that you and your team put in to the magazine. Living abroad, it helps me to keep in touch with some of the better parts of being English!

Steven Balmbra, Norway

Reprint

Please reprint issue #1 so me and my few friends can buy it! How about free gifts on them, too? Perhaps CDs of interviews, or glove puppets of the stars?

Mark Le Lievre, Wirral

Good news for Mark, his friends, and possibly three or four other people! All eight issues, including the out of print ones, are now available as updated and expanded print compendium and digital compendium.

Plus here on this newfangled website.

Stella

Stellar work, Alex et al. Amazing quality in comedy, art and craftsmanship. Plus in-depth interviews with people you actually want to know something about. How can we not ask for more?

Jimmy O, Berlin

Junky

Ordered issue #2 the other day, it just arrived. I've only got to 'Sea Junkies' nd I'm already hooked! (Although not in the Sea Junkie sense.)

Martin Harvey, Milford

Mulled

Mustard is a truly brilliant magazine, each issue of which I have read, cherished and enjoyed many times over.

James Mullinger, Kingston

Sign

Saw this photo, and thought of you...

Julea Dunn, Denver

Perfect for our final issue! Thanks for this, Julea, and for your True Story in issue #05.

Smith

Really sad to hear Mustard is finishing. Looked forward to each issue and would have loved to have seen a monthly version on sale in WH Smiths rather than the majority of crap they stock.

Marc Ofner, Hull

Cover

Mustard is one of the few magazines I read cover to cover. Love what you've done and long may it continue in other forms!

Brad Tuttle, Milton Keynes

Zombie

Mustard is dead... Long live Mustard!

Gareth Pashley, Bristol

Reader's Prize

 

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